Poor communication in marriage is like walking around with a ball and chain. You want to be free. I know that if I had to have this dark cloud over me I would go crazy, and my husband too. I am not good at hiding my feelings, even if I do not want to discuss them.

One symptom of poor communication is the lack of listening skills. Yes, listening forms part of communication, and the skill is vital to get correct. It doesn't help that you are a proficient speaker but don’t hear what your partner is saying. Communication is a balance of talking and listening in the right order and the correct way.

When you have a conversation be sure that you make yourself clear. Fights evolve from misunderstandings. So be sure that your partner understands what you are saying.

There are always topics that are uncomfortable to talk about. Avoiding these difficult topics is not the solution, I can tell you that. It builds up until you can not handle it anymore and… boom!

Other signs of poor communication are prejudice, insults, name-calling, and aloofness.

Why am I making such a fuss about having good communication? Well some of the consequences of bad communication are:

There is a difference between not agreeing about something and having a fight. Conflict breaks the trust and bond that you have formed in your marriage. Read how to deal with conflict in your relationship.

You will experience a lack of intimacy in your marital relationship. I have found in my marriage that if my husband and I are not intimate every couple of days there is irritation that builds. We have agreed that we need to have this time for ourselves, for the sake of our marriage. Without communication, we do not feel the desire to reconnect with each other.

Frustration increases towards your partner. Every little thing they do rubs you up the wrong way, even if it wasn’t a problem before. Incorrect communication makes you look for things that your partner does wrong. It justifies your frustration toward them so you feel better about yourself.

Marriage is a partnership, but when the feelings aren’t there feelings of loneliness take over. I am sure when you got married you didn’t want to live in the same house as your partner to feel lonely, of course not. You want to feel loved and appreciated.

When your partner does something you always have something to say about how it could be done better. Remember there are many ways to skin a cat. Be grateful for the help your partner is giving you.

I know I do not want to think I can do anything wrong, but I am not perfect, and get things wrong. I get defensive when challenged on something I am in charge of. When I stop and listen to my husband’s heart, I hear he wants to help. I am still working on this, but I am better. I do not have to defend who I am, for I know my worth and my identity.

The feeling that you are better than your partner and that they are not worthy of you. It reminds me of people that I know. They were over for dinner and their young son was with them. I cannot remember the exact circumstances, but I remember this comment, “What are you doing with MY son.” It is her son, but his also. There was definitely contempt in how she spoke to him.

Instead of dealing with an issue you close up and stonewall your partner. This is not a healthy way to go through life. A healthy marriage is being open and honest with each other; not shutting them out and withdrawing yourself.

Listen to what your partner has to say, really listen. Listen to understand and not respond. This shows empathy towards your partner and shows that you really care for them. When you are listening to your partner maintain eye contact. By doing this you illustrate that you are interested in what they have to say. Think about it, if someone you are conversing with is looking at their phone what does that tell you? They are distracted and they don’t care for what you are sharing. This is true in any relationship but especially in a marriage.

To make sure that you understand what was said it can be a good idea to paraphrase it. That makes sure that there are no miscommunications and conflict can be avoided.

If you don’t fully understand something ask questions. This is good for both you and your partner. It shows them that you are listening to them and want to know more about what they are telling you. By doing this you avoid any misunderstandings.

Be open with your partner about how you are feeling. Remember honesty doesn’t give you the right to be rude or condescending. Be open about your feelings but in a respectful gentle manner.

The way you feel is valid and has merit and vice versa. Lovingly express your feelings and listen to your partner's concerns in the same way, lovingly.

The way you handle conflict can either escalate the situation or defuse it. The use of ‘I’ statements is very effective so that your partner doesn’t feel like you are attacking them. Rather you are addressing the situation and how the situation makes you feel. ‘You’ statement is a personal jab. Instead of, ‘You frustrate me when...’ say, ‘I feel frustrated when…’

To compromise is finding a middle ground that will satisfy both parties. The other day my husband and I had to compromise on how we would like the laundry done. I have a certain way that improves my environment, and he doesn’t mind it looking different. We both had to compromise on what we really want and come to an agreement that we can live with.

Taking a break during a high-tension situation will help you, and your partner, calm down and reassess the situation. When you come back and continue you often have another perspective. It is good to take a break from these emotionally high situations and then return. Please return to complete the conversation so it does not fester and create ill feelings.

If you do not know what to do or how to improve your communication skills I suggest you get help. It is better to swallow your pride and admit that you need help than to go down the road of a ruined marriage. Couples therapy or counseling can give you a new perspective on improving communication.

There are many tools out there that you can add to your artillery belt, books, and courses.

All of these will help you address the deeper issues of the lack of communication that can be difficult to resolve independently.