Conflict can be a hindrance to many couples. I know of couples that have fought so loudly that the neighbors phoned the parents to look after the kids in the house. When you fight you are not only hurting your relationship but the people around you. If you have children you are teaching them that this is the way people who “love” each other treat one another. I don’t think that this was done intentionally, it just happened. The only way to get out of this is to learn how to, firstly, communicate and secondly, resolve conflict correctly.

We are going to have a look at what are the key elements of keeping from fighting and then how to defuse a highly emotional situation.

I enjoy nature and all that goes with it. Something that I can enjoy at home is the sound of the birds. They are always chirping and doing their thing. In the background, I always heard them. It isn’t until I stop and listen to them that I notice the different birds and how happy they sound.

The same goes for us. Unless you stop and listen to your partner all you are going to do is hear them in the background. I want to be listened to, what I have to say is important and I am sure you feel the same.

You can go through life and never truly be heard. Or maybe you never stop to listen. When you are in a conversation with your partner sit and truly listen to what they have to say. Show them that you listen by reiterating what they said. Show empathy towards them. You are in a relationship with this person because they are important to you, illustrate this by giving them the attention they deserve.

One of the biggest things causing conflict is the lack of keeping your emotions in check. If you are a person who is calm and collected and thinks before you speak, I’m sure that you have a lot less conflict than other people. And you might not be reading this post. If you are here you probably have trouble with conflict situations and then this is for you. Speaking before you think is your superpower and having your emotions go unchecked is common.

When you feel overwhelmed by the feeling boiling up inside simply take a break. Tell your partner you need half an hour before you revisit the conversation. In this time do something to calm yourself, go for a walk, write down your feelings, read, or try some breathing exercises (this isn’t just for hippies).

Remember to use the “I” statement when you express your feelings. For example: “I feel lonely because…” rather than, “All you do is work.”

You aren’t angry with the work, your emotion is loneliness. At ALL costs avoid blaming your partner for how you feel. Your feelings are valid and you should express them, just do it without putting the blame on your partner rather than taking responsibility for them.

When you are in a conflict situation it is hard to see the things that you and your partner have that are good. What are the things that you have in common? And this one thing that you are having conflict over, is it really such a big deal? Will this be the end of your relationship if you cannot get your partner to agree with you? I am guessing not. You are two different people and the chances that you are going to agree with everything are slim. Allow your partner to have their own opinion and carry on with building your relationship on the things that you do agree with. If we focus on the bad, that is what is going to grow. The opposite is also true, when you focus on the good it will grow.

My challenge for you is to focus on the good. Grow the good. Get common ground to grow the good you share as a couple.

How many couples have broken up because they were so focused on what was wrong they neglected to see the good in their partner? I am not saying you should overlook serious things, like abuse or infidelity, there are limits too.

When I think of compromise the first thing that comes to mind is not necessarily that it is good. I am not sure where this idea comes from, movies, society, etc. I think many people's idea of compromise is askew. Skip to the next part if you have the correct definition of compromise and IMPLEMENTING it in your life.

What I think of first when I think of compromising: To giving up something of importance to me to benefit the other person. I get nothing in return and they have a joy ride.

What compromise really is: Both parties give up something of importance for the good of the relationship. Both benefit because the relationship is stronger. The compromise is never that big it harms you.

What I think of first when it comes to compromise is not what I implement in my marriage. We have a healthy level of compromise where both of us are winners. When you compromise your focus is to do it for the benefit of your relationship. You will be stronger for it in the end.

When your partner is speaking to you listen to what they are saying. Is it an everyday topic that doesn’t require that much attention or is it an important topic that requires you to be fully present? If you handle an important topic the same way you handle an everyday topic you are sure to kick up the dust. Or have your partner kick up dust. Read the situation, you might not find what your partner said important but to them it is, so give them the attention they need for this particular topic.

Also, be aware of when you start certain important conversations. If you start it the minute your partner gets home from a long day of work they might not be that accommodating. Rather, wait until they have had time to relax a bit. A great solution is to set an appointment with your partner. This way they know that you want to speak with them and they can mentally prepare themselves to be fully engaged in the conversation rather than springing it on them.

Resolving conflict is a skill that every person should learn and I think it is undervalued. Many good dramas and even comedies are based on conflict between characters. Wouldn’t it be helpful if you were taught these skills in school? Most people I know didn’t learn this at home. Take the responsibility now to learn how to resolve conflict and save yourself from heartache. Be the partner you would like in the relationship, listen, and take control of your emotions. Make the sacrifices needed for the good of your relationship.