When we have a conversation with our loved one wouldn’t it be nice if we could do so without a quarrel starting? It isn’t possible to always agree with one another. I am not saying we need to. My husband and I have different opinions on many things and that is totally normal. We know that we do not have to convert each other to have the same belief about everything. This keeps the relationship interesting. Let’s face it we didn’t marry them because they are a clone of us, that would be predictable and a dull way to live. So let us bring the diversity of opinions into our relationship, we just need to learn how to communicate these differences without fighting with each other.

When we manage to keep our emotions under control it helps us stay focused on what is being said and not jump to conclusions. Staying calm and collected is key. We keep the atmosphere calm which also keeps our partner calm. I find that when my husband gets upset I start getting worked up myself even if I was calm beforehand. We can avoid this by keeping our own emotions in check. Sometimes, it's as simple as taking a deep breath and hitting the pause button before we blurt out our response, hasty answers can be a breeding ground from arguments. Often times we speak before we think and these words comes out wrong and we end up hurting our partners. A little mindfulness can go a long way to save each other from hurt feelings.

Let us dive into active listening a bit. Listen intently to what your partner is saying. Interrupting them while they are speaking to try and defend yourself or correct them mid-sentence will lead them to put their guard up and become defensive. A defensive ear doesn’t hear. Rather show empathy towards what they are saying and look at the problem from their perspective. Putting yourself in their shoes can increase your perspective on how they see the world. You do not have to agree with them, but at least seeing things from their point of view will help you to understand them better. This is vital. I know I would like to be understood better by people and I am sure you would like that to. Let us practice listening so that we can make our partners feel understood.

When we address an issue we often feel like we need to defend ourselves and our perspectives. This is ok as long as you don’t blame the other person or accuse them for your feelings. Instead use ‘I’ statements, “I feel frustrated when…” instead of, “You frustrate me…” it is a small change in the way you speak but it can make a massive difference in the way your partner responds towards you.

We also don’t what to give confusing information through. Try and be clear about what you are saying. This can be frustrating to both you and your partner. You don’t want to leave them not really knowing what you want from them. So, let's keep it crystal clear, no room for ambiguity. Being clear and honest about our needs is like handing a road map to understanding us better. Isn’t that the type of clarity that we want in a relationship?

There is power in the words that we speak. So avoid name calling, personal insults, or sarcastic language. These personal jabs is like throwing fuel on the fire. This increases the tension between the two of you and can lead to an agreement that potentially could have been a pleasant conversation. The words that we speak to our spouses gets taken to heart, do not thing that is does not have an effect on them. Believe me they do. Yes, we forgive each other, but they still have an effect. Whenever possible speak kind words to them. Speak to them with respect and treat them as you would like to be treated. A little positive words can go a long way in nurturing your relationship.

When you are speaking through an issue try and keep the issue as the main focus. If you bring pass grievances it is like bring old ghosts into the present and the emotions that come with them. This can escalate an issue into a full blown fight. Fighting leaves scares. Yes, we forgive each other and the hurts can heal but there are still scares on your hearts that remind us of the wounds we endured.

Also, don’t bring up unrelated topics. There is a time and place for them and that is another time. The danger is that you don’t deal with the issue at hand. If it is an issue that your partner feels strongly about and you change the subject you leave them feeling that you don’t care enough for them to listen to what they have to say. Let us keep our focus on the issue at hand, and give the attention and respect to our partners that they deserve. This strengthens the bond between you.

As kids we are taught to take turns, it is the fair thing to do. Just like that each partner should get a turn to speak. This is their time that they get to express their thought, feelings and insights about whatever is on the table. Allow enough time for the speaker to fully express themselves. We are all different and some people need more time to talk and process than others. This mean there must be no interruptions as this is their time.

The other partner will get their turn to respond and share their feelings. Be present while you are listening. Show your partner how valued they are and what they have to say is important to you by actively listening in this time. Yes, you can ask questions. Asking questions will deepen your understanding about what they are talking about.

Make your conversations a give and take where you internalize every word and are truly present. Is this way we build strong bridges of connections.

When we find areas and commonalities we both agree on we come to see that we have a common goal. We and the same page about a shared vision. Then we can start looking for solutions for the things that we don’t agree with. In a marriage the goal should be to work together to build a healthy partnership. Team work makes the dream work. Our marriage isn't just about us—it's the beacon we send out to the world about what a marriage should be. I don't know about you, but I want our image to be one of unity, not of separation and divorce. You don't want to be part of the divorce rate. Many people that is the easy way out, but it really isn’t. Let us focus on our goals, commonalities and work towards them together. What you focus on becomes reality. This brings us to compromising, the middle ground where we can meet.

We are not always going to agree on everything in a relationship. This might be about small things like that color of scatter cushions or what to have for dinner. Or it could be major things that we don’t agree about like the best way to spend your money or what is the best time to have children. Clashes can happen. These things can cause friction and frustration in our relationships. But remember your common goal is to have a healthy, thriving relationship.

Now, when we hit a roadblock where we cannot come to an agreement we need to find a middle ground. A place where both partners are happy. It isn’t about one person winning and the other drawing the short straw. We don’t want one person making all the compromises and the other person getting their way all the time, no. You both should be happy with the compromise. I am talking about a mutual agreement where both partners can be satisfied. This is the secret to compromising. Start viewing compromise not as a punishment but rather a sacrifice to bigger and better things in your marriage.

There are times when a conversation gets too heated. Tempers get escalated and emotions run too hot to think clearly. It is okay to press pause. It is the perfect time to take a break. Give each other some space to take a breath and the cool down. When you come back then you can continue the conversation. Our brains get fogged with chemicals that make it impossible to come to an agreement. Both partner will have time on their own to think through the issue, emotions will have calmed down, and the conversation can be revisited.

Picking the right setting to discuss a topic, especially a serious topic can make or break the conversation. Being in a busy mall will not do because there are many distractions and if an argument would arise it can cause a scene. We want to protect our marriage and not make a spectacle of it.

Starting a conversation about a serious topic when the one or both of you are tired will not help. We want to give our give our full attention to each other in these time and not do it half-heartedly. You want to give yourselves the best chance to succeed in a conversation so why would you choose a time and place that you know is a recipe for disaster. When both of you are at your best you can have a smooth ride.

Sometime, especially if the one partner is more committed to finding a resolution than the other it can be wise to get outside counsel. I am not talking about your parents here, parents shouldn’t be involved in martial problems. I am talking about a therapist, mediator or resources that can help you get back on track. This way you can have a third party that can facilitate you through difficult conversations.

If you aren’t comfortable with sharing your personal live with someone you don’t know there are many books and other resources that can help guide you through difficult times.

Luckily for us these are skill that can be worked on and we do not have to be proficient in all of them from the start. We can grow our emotional intelligence and improve our communication skills. All of this will help us in understanding each other perspectives and help avoid fighting with one another. When we implement these strategies we create peaceful and a respectful environment that reduces the chances of conflicts and arguments. At the very least it will reduce the intensity of these occurrences. Start honing these skills and build a harmonious space for your marriage. It is about going through the process, the journey, not perfection.